A shocking new $FAKENEWS report reveals that Solana's blazing-fast network isn't powered by hardware upgrades or optimized code — it's powered by validators alt-tabbing between Pornhub videos. Roughly 69% of validators admitted their servers are nothing more than disguised Chrome windows with step-sibling roleplay on loop.
One anonymous validator confessed: "Honestly, the block confirmations are just a side hustle — I was here for the MILFs." Despite this revelation, Solana somehow continues to outperform Ethereum, proving that horny engineers are still more efficient than Vitalik's crew.
Analysts are now calling this the 'cum-proof-of-stake' consensus model. Each block is allegedly finalized the moment a validator climaxes, creating what researchers call "the fastest jerkchain in crypto."
When asked if this undermines the credibility of Solana, one core dev shrugged: "Bro, it still works."