$FAKENEWS investigators have uncovered the shocking truth behind Pump.fun's legendary "backend." It's not Rust, not TypeScript—hell, it's not even code. It's a single Google Doc with 47 anonymous capybaras editing at once, highlighted in neon colors and dripping with TODOs nobody will ever do.
Sources confirm the production "database" is a bulleted list titled "Wallets That Look Rich", while the deployment pipeline is just someone clicking File → Download as PDF and praying. One insider admitted, "We copy-paste the logic into another Doc called mainnet-final-final-v7 and call it a release."
During a staged "code review," investigators observed the following mission-critical artifacts:
- A heading named WEN MOON with a chart doodle pointing straight up.
- Comments like "fix later" and "idk ask alon" spanning 13 pages.
- A merge conflict caused by someone pasting a meme in the middle of the "smart contract."
Uptime is reportedly maintained by a single Doc owner who never sleeps and occasionally rage-reverts to an earlier version labeled "before it broke." The on-call rotation is literally just whoever has editing access at 3 a.m.
When asked for the roadmap, a spokesperson linked a spreadsheet with one column: "pump". Row after row simply reads: "yes."
Analysts now believe this explains the platform's unique behavior: it's not a bug, it's collaborative writing. As one degen engineer put it, "Real men ship from Google Docs."