Fed Announces Rate Hike Of +1000%... On Jeets

# Federal Reserve Targets Weak Hands In an emergency press conference, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell announced a **1000% interest rate hike** - but only for crypto holders who sell at a loss. ## The Policy Details: - Rate applies exclusively to "jeets" (technical term for weak hands) - Diamond hands receive negative interest rates - HODLers get free money printer privileges ### Market Reaction The announcement caused immediate chaos: - Bitcoin briefly touched $100k before retreating to $99,999 - Altcoins celebrated with synchronized pumping - Paper hands worldwide spontaneously combusted > "We must protect the sanctity of HODL culture," Powell declared while adjusting his laser eyes. "The printer goes BRRR only for the faithful." Sources confirm this is definitely how monetary policy works.